so. yesterday was very slow at work. it was my firday day where i was the only one in the entire building all day. there weren't many customers. it was about 5. i had been on my feet doing other cleaning-type duties all day. I was standing beside the cash register and was daydreaming staring out the window. all of a sudden, i see MY GUY. walking by my fish market on this side of the street, looking inside from afar. looking the same- white blanket, walking stick and hair. i don't understand why, but i got sort of scared and excited all at once. i ducked down behind the counter watching him, watching as he walked. my heart was racing so fast. i watched him go out of view as he passed by the window furthest to the right and disappeared from my view. i started freaking. what was it supposed to do this time?? talk to him? chase after him? WHAT?! then, immedietly following this, a customer walks in. the first one in over an hour. i'm thinking oh my god fuck fuck fuck fuck you guy!!!! i feel anxious and want him to get out nd then another woman walks in. FUCK! i felt like i had lost my mind- it was flying, trying to get these people out of the store, while at the same time deciding what i should do and trying to figure out what it meant. i got them out.
it was dush. i had been looking at the clock the whole time, hoping he wasn't too far away, even though i had no idea what i was doing. i ran outside and ran down the road a little ways seeing if he was anywhere in sight at all. i saw him far along the road. i ran back in the store. something incredible came over me. i got nervous and had butterflies in my stomach. then- my eyes fell upon the "day old" foccacia bread and rolls that sit in front of the counter all day with no takers. I didn't care about the consequences of what i did next. i just did it. i was compelled by something indescribable. love. i ran out to my dad's truck, got in and drove away- leaving the store unlocked with no one else there, with the cash drawer free for the taking, everything just there. i raced down the road, talking to myself, "c'mon come on come on!!! where are you!??!"finally, i saw him as i came up the crest of a hill. i pull into the driveway of an antique shop. cars are flying by- he is still walking towards me. i pulled in so that i was a little ahead of him. i leap out of the truck and run towards him. i say "excuse me sir?!" he nods and says "hi." in a scruffy, warm tone. "i used to live in portland and i used to see you often and i just saw you walk by the fishmarket where i work and i wondered if you would like any of this bread. " he opened his arms and his white blanket went with them and he said "do you need that bread?" and i said "no!! no!! you should have this bread!" he opened his arms wide and accepted. "thank you! thank you!! god bless you god bless you!" and i said "thank YOU" he started to cross the street as i ran back and jumped into the truck. i was beaming. i felt like i had just spoken to god. to love. i have never felt so overwhelmingly happy and otherworldly and lucky in my entire life. my smile was so big. i couldn't stop saying to myself "holy shit holy shit holy shit that was so good!!!!" as i try to pull out of the parking lot, i see him across the street. he was climbing up on the top of a little rock. i couldn't tell, partly because i was flustered and realizing how i had just left the shop wide open- but i though i saw a little trail heading back into the woods. i think he's living at that spot now. as i pulled out, he held his hand in the air, waving and smiling as he sat on top of the rock to eat. i waved back and came back to the shop just in time, as a customer was pulling in.
i couldn't think straight the rest of the night. i thought about him all the way home. when i finally got ot talk to ben about it, he thought it was just as mind blowing. im so glad i did what i did. it made me feel so so good. so joyful. made me sosososososo happy. i worried about him all night though. it poured last night and i can be sure that he didn't have adequate shelter. i just feel that things are all slowly coming together.... i feel like everything around me is helping to lead me where i need to go. i don't know what the fuck im doing in a few monthes but it feels like things are just happening on their own- furthering me towards what i want- even though im still not even clear what that is.
but it relates to travel, the way we're going to travel and the way that i want to live my life. lately, ben has been spending even more time at the trainyard. i've been reading about freights non stop. my hobo guy got down here somehow. trainhopping? either way, it just seems that gypsy living is sceaming ben and i's names...
the way i feel about this whole fucked up system that we have- having a job, having material items mean material success and happiness. the expense of living. the expense of traveling. the complexity of traveling by passenger train, or bus or car or bike. the thrill of being sneaky. the artistic opportunities that go along with watching and riding freight trains. the way i feel about the job i have now- normal people would think "yeah great! you work 40 hours a week at a fishmarket, great. that's a respectable job. thats hardworking great!"- from my perspective, al i can see are extraordinarily large chunks of my life pass me by- just wasted time. i can't even do things like read or write in this thing to fill up the time. it's supposed to be filled with work duties. traveling by freight train is the biggest fuck you to everybody in america by far. it's just completely i don't give a fuck. scenery you could never see by any other means of transport. with trainhopping there's always the opportunity to simply walk the tracks. it's relaxing travel. there are times and places to be, but it's all free. if you miss your train- so what?? just relax until the next one comes through. it's highly appealing. becoming more so each day. and by june- ill have 5000 bucks plus. and i won't have to spend a cent of it on travel. just- food. film. a place to stay if we get real desperate. cigarettes. wine. and weed. we won't spend nearly all of it. then, we'll have all this money to do other things we might want to do. awswwwwhhhh
i don't know what is going to happen. all i know is that things are happening.
and my home is on the highway.
