Friday, February 27, 2009

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the
over-compensations for misery. 
And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. 
And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune,
none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, 
or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt.  
Happiness is never grand."

-aldous huxley, brave new world

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

some idiot spelled brazilian wrong but i been dancin!

the animals know

goddamn i want to leave this place. right now. i hate it so much. i hate school.  college-biggest fucking scam there every was. no one here knows what they want to do- but they've convinced themselves that they do indeed know. so that makes them better than me or at least that makes them appear to be better than me. stupid stupid stupid. this is such a waste of my time and money and life. i just want to get out. i feel so goddamned anxious all the time because i'm claustrophobic here. i am trapped. i don't know what to do. i hate it i hate it. i want everyone to leave me alone. i want to go far far away. i want to be barefoot and tan, long hair blowing in the wind, rings on my fingers and bells on my toes. light, flowing drapery covering my body, dancing in the wind- in a desert. the sand rushing all around me. i want to live in a yurt, make fires by night, dance to the beat of drums as the stars rise.  i want to sing and howl at the moon and drink wine and be merry. i want drugs. i want to experience. i want the spirits to help me. guide. i want to surround myself with animals. i want to garden.  i want to eat only things i've grown. i want to be healthy again.  i want to have wild celebrations at harvest time. i want to sew things. i want to knit. i want to draw beautiful pictures of my dreams. i want to be able to sleep again. i want to be carefree. i want no stress and no worries. i want to be free. i keep getting more free little by little but never enough. thats why i need to break through.  thats why i need to make my great escape, my departure. i won't be missed. i don't worry about that. i hope people forget me. then maybe someday i will return so changed that no one will recognize me.  i will return so fresh and enigmatic that everyone i knew before will gasp in awe of my wonder and secrets. when i return, i will speak seldomly.  one word or two at a time- always chosen carefully. always a mystery.  i will return to find everyone successful and happy, following the beaten path to their deaths. everyone normal and taking it easy. some of them will be famous others will just have a lot of money.  but i care for neither of these things. in fact, i strive for nothing. i don't want to create a name for myself. i don't want a career.  i don't want a job. i just want to float. i want to live. i want to make things. i want to take pictures. but not to sell. not to be critiqued and analyzed by the world of pretentions, learned snobs. not for anyone but my own sake- my own memories sake.  i take pictures to remember. pictures to document my life. that is all. that is their purpose. within this purpose there are endless possibilities. endless exploration. but this- what im dealing with right now-this college, assigned art bullshit? i can't do it.  it gets in the way of my documentation. distracts me from remembering to remember. i have to get out. it's all fake. it's all useless to me. what was i thinking coming here. this place is insane and it's making me insane.  im planning my great escape.
why am i self destructive?
have i lost the will to live?
must seek higher level of being.

Monday, February 23, 2009

stop counting on that camera that hangs around your neck cause it won't ever remember what you choose to forget

just scanned a few, eh¿¿?
click for big



back o' jeep with cans




ben & lauren

adam & maggie

shayna & lauren

chelsea lovin zappa

drunken burlington pictures
those are our delightful jello shots cooling down in the freezzz happy new year

low bag
take one day at a time
everything else you can leave behind
only one thing at a time
anything more really hurts your mind
i don't want for us to
take pills
not that it's bad
i don't want for us to take pills
because we're stronger
and we don't need them

a line allows progress- a circle does not


this had to happen

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oh we're so very precious, you and I
And everything that you do makes me want to die
Oh I just told the biggest lie

i hate it here.
i want everyone to leave me alone.
just forget about me.
i've never existed.
i'm a bad person and i know it so please go away.
i'm unhealthy in every possible way.
i lack a range of emotions.
i am always concealing something.
i never feel real.
i do so many stupid things that it's become entirely too easy to make fun of me.
i get drunk and do even more stupid things that i rarely remember.
i wait around for other people.
my priorities change to accomodate others leaving little time for me to try to understand what the fuck is wrong with me.
i worry constantly. about the least worrisome of things.
i judge myself all day. non stop. all the time. 
i don't take care of myself. my mom keeps calling me asking me about whether or not i've been "taking care of myself." and i tell her yes. and she tells me that she's had nightmares lately. that makes me nervous.
i don't sleep.
i don't do my homework. i don't care about my homework.
i waste my time doing dumb things like blogging and being whiny when i could be doing something purposeful.
i am unhappy and i'm good at hiding it.
i dream about leaving this place all day long.
i don't know if i know who i am.
i don't know. i don't know.
for now, solitude must surround me.
i'm sorry for all the ways i hurt other people. 

i am sorry.
i'm gonna try to get better.

when you get off tour i think we should hang and blackout together
ben leg! ben arm!