hobojesus

this distant encounter made a huge impact on me.

also, i am losing my mind, among other things.

i wrote this down yesterday:

i went to see dr. wright. she gave me a prescription. it's so very warm out. feels like 60. i was driving fast with my window down- it smelled l ike spring. i decided to drive through the village instead of taking route 1 to get back to the highschool to return the car. driving driving looking at people on the sidewalk. see a man with a tan blanket wrapped around his shoulders walking away from me. as i approach and slowly pass him i crane my neck to see his face. my mind is blown. it is my guy. the homeless man who ben and i saw almost everyday while living in Portland. my favorite homeless man. in york village? his hair looked a bit more wild and dirty than usual. he still had his walking stick and was smiling and taking his time to walk down the street. york maine??? i had never gone more than a day or so without getting worried about not seeing him. he has never asked me for money or anyone for that matter. he is silent. he has always nodded his head as we pass. he is gentle, though i've never spoken to him i can't describe the joy i would feel each time we would pass by him in Portland. he is lovely and to have just seen him? here?? as i drive by?? i called ben directly afterward frantically asking him what i should do. i felt like i should pull over and talk to him. but what would i say? would he even recognize me? does he remember me? is it a sign but what of? what should i do? ben said that maybe for right now i should try to use my experience for myself to benefit me somehow, not to worry so much about what i can do for him. i dont know what this means. i have so much love for him, for this stranger.

he is my guardian angel. no. he is god. i don't believe in god, but i believe in that man. he is a holy man he is beautiful. i want to paint him in the clouds with that enigmatic mona lisa smile and dirty cheeks that he always has. i wish i had a picture of him. id like to think that if i did take a picture, the frame would come back empty or blurred because he is a mystic. i wish i hope hes okay. i hope i will see him again. i want him to talk to me. i want to make him something. i want to hug and hold him forever.

he is god? for lack of a better word. he embodies peace and humility and humbleness and i can see his spirit and it is the most gentle of all. he shields all the animals beneath his layers and cloaks. his stick is magical and old. he has walked many miles. he is hobojesus. he is my savior. i love him with all my heart. he deserves better. i hope he is happy. do you think he is happy? do you think he wanted it this way? most would say no but im not so sure. his leisurely walk and face sometimes make me feel like this is exactly how he wanted it and he is the most content man alive. i hope this is true.

if i ever find myself lost, next time maybe i'll try praying to him. i hope he is happy. i hope i hope i hope. i want him to be the centerfold for all the art i create. i want everyone to realize his kindness.