i cant handle competition at all.

i can never ever be good enough for anything. lksdf

fucking repulsed to look at myself.

i wish that i was the only human and that i only knew me.

i wish that i could just be one of those fucking girls. any other girl.

ambulance vs. ambulance

play this loudly to drown out everyone who is no good.

im so bummed and angry and sad. today was stupid.

i hate you so much i hate you i hate you 

fucking not going to tim and eric anymore because you are shitty.  

everyone sucks and i fucking hate everybody. EVERYBODY.

deanna captured these precious moments this weekend

heh heh heh yesssza

yesterday we had a snow day!!! wudddddup

a few pages from my sketchbook...

click for big!

bianca cassady!

good morning everybody!

loookin good lookin goood...

last night was a funny one. chelsea and i danced the night away and stumbled our way home.

success!

 

february 6th that'll be on mah back

oh me oh my!!!?!

click for big

cynthia's stitched hand
click for big

i was meant to be born a gypsy

home is on the highway living on soft bread and solace-

now that im alone i feel the lonely brokenness

of all the wicked avenues i've ever sold my love on-

i always knew i would spend a lot of time alone

no one would understand me

maybe i should go and live amongst the animals

spend all my time amongst the animals

that must be the key!! i must leave here.

must leave my old self behind. 

i must journey.

must take care of myself.  

i must follow the animals

twist and squirm baby

junky girl chasing the sky

never gon' catch it

sacred=profane

to do:

-learn self control

-stand the fuck up for yourself

-imagine beauty

-remember that you will never be the only one

-buy film

-try harder to give up

-scape up some self respect to go with that control

-clean room

-eat more vegetables

i suck always. 

this morning i wrote haikus in english.

inconsistency

fireflies flicker on ice

red lips float past me

underneath is rot

intestines writhe, crawl inside

eat your heart out boy

i am a shadow

can you see me fall?

can't see me at all.

i hate that clicking.

if only i was skinny.

my knees are mountains.

do you think of me?

i think of you. bright blue eyes

i chase you in dreams

your hair is dirty

no, no shower. i like it.

you always smell good.

my belly jiggles

macho pigs, slam that head hard

blurry. black. im gone

5-7-5 syllables is my new mantra. 

so last night as i was walking back from ben's, directly after saying goodbye to chelsea on the phone, i proceeded to slip, fall and snap my phone right in half. FUCK fuck fuck. now. i am hungover to the max and my day is gonna be all about this:

V8 and black sabbath. thats all i need...

some peactures from deannnas on a previous evening and dance party in my room before fucked up last night! click for big!

feelin strange. it's a blizzard outside! and here we are... click for big! i did it right this time!!

color film

polooorizoids

holga!

yesterday was my birthday! i had a lovely day and night- didn't do anything too special. i found myself to be surrounded by my favorite people and it was quite satisfying.  today i returned to york for a joint birthday party for me and my mom, as it is is her birthday today! 

all time favorite part of the party was when i began to open a thin, large square object from my brother and dad.  out came BIG BUDS 2009 calender...right in front of my entire family.  i started cracking up and my mom started harshly whispering in my ears instructing me to hide it before my memere and papou realized what i had just received.  

hah.  anyway. that shit made my night.  here's my calender and i, in all our subtlety. 

i also received a whole bunch more 120 film for my holga as well as a fisheye lens for it. AND a 77mm wide angle for my digital slr. oh me oh my oh me oh my! typical that this was the one time i chose to leave all my cameras at school. i can't wait to play!

luke just got a new puppy the other day. little black lab from the shelter, named him Bruce. AWH.  i return to the portlando tomorrow! time for rest. sweetest dreams! 

my birthday present from cynthia!!!!!!!!!! mmmm she painted me MIA?!!

best ever.

these ones were for a photo project meant to be a day in the life kind of thing...instead it turned into lots of portraits